264 replies to this topic

[Allan]

Where do you fit in this story?

A balloonist on a transcontinental balloon voyage suddenly finds his craft engulfed in fog, his compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, he drifts for days. Suddenly the clouds part to reveal a large building -- and one of the windows is open! The flyer quickly shouts out: "Where am I?"

Startled, one of the workers inside yells back: "About half a mile in from the northeast edge of town."

The balloonist just shakes his head: "You must be in systems support."

"How did you know?"

"The information you just gave me was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

The worker smiles: "You must work in business management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how do you know?"

"Well," replies the worker, "you don't know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is my fault."

[Allan]

In a contest sponsored by New York Magazine, readers were asked to come up with some letters one would just as soon not receive. Some of the winning entries:

Dear Joan:
You once asked me what you could do to help ...

Dear Dad:
First, I want to emphasise that no one in either car was hurt.

... So why, you wonder, a letter after all these years? Well, I am writing my autobiography, and I am just at the part concerning our affair ...

Dear Irving:
Remember the old vase my Aunt Julia left me that you broke at my party? You wanted to reimburse me, and I said, "How about a couple of hundred bucks?" But you thought that was too much and insisted I get an appraisal. Well, I hope you are sitting down, because the museum's curator of 12th century art ...

Dear Thelma:
I have decided to write this because I have always respected you and have always believed that you would expect nothing less from me than complete honesty ...

Dear Mr. Cohn:
In response to your letter concerning pension cheques not received by you, our records indicate that you are deceased ...

[Allan]

Is this something you guys would like me to continue?


Some lawyers were playing poker at the office. At the end of the first hand, Johnson tossed his cards on the table and declared that he had won ... at which point another of the lawyers slammed down his own cards in disgust. "That's it. I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"

"How can you tell?" asked one of the others.

"Those are not the cards I dealt him!"

[3Koi Maui]

The Donkey in the Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

The farmer invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each brought a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., enough of that BS... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the heck out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbor's farms and kicked the heck out of them too, for helping.

The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your a**, it will always comes back to get you!

[Schlep]

Good Ones - I thought you might enjoy this one.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

[darlinme]

Thought you might enjoy beginning your day with some real groaners …..


Units you rarely see:
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
10 cards: 1 decacards
force of 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

[plantia]

Allan, where are the funnies? :)

[Allan]

Well I posted one on Wednesday.

But since you asked::

How do you make a bandstand?





Take away their chairs

plantia said:

Allan, where are the funnies? :)

[plantia]

Thanks Allan, that was mid-week, but today is FRIDAY! lol

[Mike Betts]

This might get me in a little trouble, but hey I laughed!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,
the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He
thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong
man.
I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting
a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him
are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his
temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and
yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must
have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:


(wait for it)




(Get your best Chinese accent ready)




"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[biggerfish]

You gotta use your imagination for this one:

A guy walks into a threatrical agent's office and says: "You gotta see this act! It's a real family act. First, my wife comes in and...


:eek:


... and for the finish, we all ...


:cool:


... and it's just amazing!"

The agent is dumbfounded. "Wow, I've never ever seen anything like that. What do you call that act?"

"We call it 'The Aristocrats!'"

[plantia]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

[JON]

Here's a good one. Don't get mad it'a just a joke.


An appeal by the G W Bush Monument Committee

Dear Friends and Relatives:

I have the distinguished honor of being named to the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush. I am
contacting you in hopes you will be willing to contribute to this
noble cause. But first, a little about what the committee has
been doing to date.

We originally wanted to put him on Mount Rushmore until we discovered that there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue
should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of
George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard
Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the
difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Republican of all. He left not knowing where he was
going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He
returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the well-being
of the majority of the population while he was there, and did it all
on someone else's money.

Thank you.

George W. Bush Monument Committee

P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far. So please be generous.

[cmroma]

Signs seen around town:


Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :D

[biggerfish]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? *

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. *Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. *Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? *Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. *So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. *Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). *And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. *Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. * Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. *If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc..

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. *My philosophy is: *No Pain . . . Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. *In fact, they're permeated in it. *How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! *When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. *You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! *Another vegetable!!! *It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting *in-shape *important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"*

[royster13]

My neighbour is travelling 4 hours to hear Bill Clinton speak today.....45 minutes of talk and the tix were C$106.00 a pop.....I think that is pretty funny......RCS....

[plantia]

Please stand up....


One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

[darlinme]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[plantia]

The Golden Saloon...


A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

[Russ]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith &it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head &mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.